Trying Harder

I always thought of my son, Eric, as a super-achiever. At 2, he delighted in spelling his name. By 5, he was reading aloud to his preschool classmates. And before his sixth birthday, he could count to 30 in French. It was clear he loved learning and took pride in each accomplishment. So when Eric started first grade last year, I was confident he’d continue to bring his A game. Instead, I got a big surprise at our parent-teacher conference. “Eric isn’t doing his best work in his daily journal,” his teacher said, opening the notebook to page after page of one-sentence entries. “He’s capable of more.” My heart sank. Writing, after all, is in Eric’s DNA! What had happened to my little wunderkind? Was he turning into a slacker?

It turns out that Eric’s situation was typical for his age. “Many 6- to-8-year-olds go through a phase of doing just so-so, whether it’s in school or on the soccer field. They’re still immature and may not realize the importance of trying their best either in school or in sports,” says Ruth Peters, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Clearwater, Florida, and author of Overcoming Underachieving: A Simple Plan to Boost Your Kids’ Grades and End Homework Hassles. The key is finding out what might be holding your child back. We’ve identified some of the likeliest factors and simple fixes for each.

POTENTIAL PROBLEM
He’s Waiting to Be Rescued
When your son was a preschooler and got frustrated tying his shoes, did you swoop right in and do it for him? “If so, he may have developed a ‘learned helplessness’ that he’s carried into elementary school,” says Peter A. Spevak, Ph.D., coauthor of Empowering Underachievers: New Strategies to Guide Kids (8–18) to Personal Excellence. Now he’s scared to try more difficult tasks on his own—and he expects you or another grown-up to rush in and save him (or is testing to see if anyone will).

COURSE CORRECTION Promote independence by allowing him to struggle over solving a math problem or getting his own cup of water. “If you continue to jump the second he asks for help, he’ll give up too easily when the going gets tough,” Dr. Spevak cautions. Step back and allow him to experience age-appropriate struggles. When he succeeds, he’ll gain confidence that will help him be less dependent on you. Urge your kid to come to you if he doesn’t understand a particular concept—and then explain it without actually doing the work for him. “Children need to know that there’s an expectation that they will achieve through their own efforts,” says Dr. Spevak.

POTENTIAL PROBLEM
She’s Afraid of Letting You Down
If your child resists reading aloud when you’re within earshot or doesn’t want you to watch her swim practice, she may crave your approval but fear that she needs to do something perfectly to earn it. The result? “Instead of trying harder, she might resist making an effort,” explains Natalie Rathvon, Ph.D., clinical professor of psychology at The George Washington University, in Washington, D.C. “Some children would rather not try at all than risk failing.” Being a perfectionist can hamper your kid’s achievement because she’s overly concerned about the result rather than the process.
COURSE CORRECTION Help your child enjoy learning a new skill without fixating on the grade or the trophy. Say something like, “I don’t expect you to be perfect; I’ll be happy as long as you always try hard and don’t give up when you run into trouble.” But don’t just talk about how a strong effort and positive attitude can lead to success; let your child see you tackle a challenging work assignment or project around the house—and let her see you sweat a little. If she thinks everything comes easily to you, she’ll figure that’s how it’s supposed to be.

POTENTIAL PROBLEM
He Hasn’t Made All the Connections
Many kids procrastinate, do sloppy work at the last minute, or punt the assignment entirely. It’s not because they lack ability; it’s because the relationship between effort and outcome hasn’t clicked. “Although you know that fulfillment comes through accomplishment, children are still focused on fun,” says Dr. Spevak.

COURSE CORRECTION Make sure that he completes homework and chores before he plays, to reinforce the concept that the fun part doesn’t always come first—but it does come! Say, “I know you want to build with the Legos, but first you have to spend 20 minutes reading your book or cleaning your room.” Putting a time frame on his responsibilities will help keep him from rushing to the finish. You might even ask him to come up with a plan—it’s good practice for his time-management skills, and he’ll feel more in control.

POTENTIAL PROBLEM
She’s Picky About What She Tries
She zips through her schoolwork and does really well at the things she enjoys but slacks off if the subject is difficult or not interesting. Doing the bare minimum in settings that aren’t particularly challenging, especially for a bright kid or a natural athlete, may not raise a red flag now. However, it can become a real problem as kids get older and success requires a mix of natural ability and hard work.
COURSE CORRECTION If she’s avoiding a subject, use a light touch when it comes to addressing the neglected homework. Say, “Honey, I can’t help noticing that these subtraction problems haven’t been done. They look kind of lonely and unfinished, don’t they?” The benefit of using humor in these situations: “It shows you aren’t anxious; in fact, you are so confident she can learn and perform new tasks that you can be playful,” says Dr. Rathvon.
“Your relaxed attitude also underscores that it’s okay to try even when a perfect performance isn’t assured, which will further build her self-confidence.”